Do you ever feel like you’re swimming against the tide? Okay, maybe not against the tide but instead of flying in the current of life it’s tossing you around a bit, maybe leaving a few marks?
I’ve felt like this for a while now and I can’t put my finger on when it started. When we were evacuated from Moscow this summer, due to the smoke from the peat fires? When our stay in the States turned from 4 to 6 weeks and I was out of my routine for too long? When it hit me that life is constantly moving by whether or not I “hop on?”
It really doesn’t matter what caused this type of funk. And I feel guilty even saying it’s a funk. I enjoy life. I took myself and my laptop out into the city today to write this blog–I don’t know many people who can say they took their office out for a trip. Of course, they probably make a lot more money than I do, but that’s another blog (the I’m-not-defined-by-my-royalty-statement essay). It’s 55 degrees Fahrenheit in Moscow Russia on the 15th of November and I’m out here to enjoy it, for heaven’s sake.
Maybe when I was younger I wasn’t as aware of the fragility of life, the reality that we all get older if we’re blessed to live long enough. And getting older means saying good-bye to some youthful pursuits. Self-pity and self-centeredness top my favorite things to say “so long” to.
I must say I love the confidence and sense of knowing myself that maturation brings. It’s liberating and thrilling. The younger me would be horrified to know that indeed, my body can weigh the number of pounds it does–that my figure hasn’t stayed reed-thin and my clothes choices too often fall into the “comfortable writer” category. But the younger me had no clue as to the joys of raising children, dogs, novels, marriages (just one so far, Thank God).
The younger me didn’t notice she was swimming through jam. I was spinning my wheels too quickly to even note if I hit a speed bump.
Today I feel the speed bumps and heart palpitations. But I’m not afraid of any of it–it’s okay, it’s life, and I’m happy to be here.
And that means accepting when I’m treading in thick, syrupy jam. This too shall pass.
3 Comments on “Swimming in Jam”
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Geri,
I think everyone has experienced this! I have found spending time with family and good friends are the best way to get moving again.
Thanks for letting us know the “jam” is normal for us all!
Ginny
As I’ve grown older, I’ve also noticed these funks. Because we aren’t rushing around so much with life nowadays, I think that these down times allow us to appreciate all the fullness of our lives. At least, that’s how I’m approaching them!
LOL I usually call it “swimming in quagmire” but yes, I certainly have been experiencing that! I’m not sure if it is the phase of life that I am in or just that I have been unlucky enough to have some bad experiences in the past year that threw me off-course. A couple days ago I found myself having a pity party for myself, along the lines of “I had such great hopes and dreams, and none of them have happened the way I have planned… What’s happened to me?” Rather than appreciating what I have, I have been resisting and fighting for things that I think SHOULD BE.
I love my life, I love my family, and even though things have not worked out the way I thought they would, I can’t just sit here and say, “But that’s not what I wanted!” I need to learn to let go a bit more, and live life rather than have it go by while I am discontented.
Madison